Hi Debbie That might be an indiscretion too far, even for me. But perhaps the most embarrassing place was a disco in Tokyo. I was under a sofa asleep on the floor. I was woken by a vacuum cleaner banging against my head as it was shoved underneath the sofa. When I crawled out I found myself in the Lexington Queen disco, glaringly lit by neon strip lights with half a dozen cleaning ladies emptying ashtrays, polishing knobs and pushing vacuum cleaners around. I don't know how often they found leftover people under the furniture, but they didn't seem too concerned. Cheers
SUNDAY MAY 14 2006 Francis Connor, Sataheep, Thailand Dear Simone Re your kind loan of Donald Richie's book Japan Journals, I found it overly edited. I would have liked to hear more of the bubble years when Ueno Park was bursting with lusty Iranian guest workers and Richie could be found in the copses in the park giving blow jobs left right and centre. By the way, yesterday, skimming through your daily post column, some of the things you say to your less favoured correspondents had me jumping out of my chair with alarm. Toodlepip
My dear Francis, forgive me if I make an old friend jump out of his chair, but… Whilst your many years in Tokyo no doubt gives you the right to talk about Donald Richie with authority, in an email you sent me about your time in the Gulf States, you once said, “I sometimes wonder how I managed to accommodate all those illegal immigrant Iranian labourers in Kuwait.“ Do I detect double standards in your Richie-bitching? All my best
SATURDAY MAY 13 2006 From: Doug Sheen, Glasgow, UK simon – how can you dismiss jimmy page as an ‘asshole'… that's sheer stupidty… just dumb rudeness... jimmy was/is one of the true guitar greats of his generation… D. SHEEN
I wasn't discussing his guitar playing (which I admit was quite adequate, though more technical than sensitive, more raucous than passionate, and never with much feeling for the blues), I was discussing his talent as a prick. This needn't be taken too insultingly. An artist's work depends on his technical ability to interpret his emotional state. Zeppelin's tour de force-ism was an exploration of four decadent psyches. The most intriguing one was Jimmy's, fired up by whatever irked him. That Zeppelin were a great band was due to him more than anyone else. Being a prick has its rewards. Cheers
FRIDAY MAY 12 2006 Ned Shepton, Boston, Mass, USA Hey Simon Who was the shrewdest, sharpest, cleverest person you ever managed? I'm not talking about musical talent (though presumably they needed some) but who was the person most determined to succeed and had a brain to go with it? And who was the biggest asshole? Same person perhaps? Yours
Hi Ned Sharpest, shrewdest, cleverest and wittiest - Biggest asshole - Jimmy Page. Cheers
THURSDAY MAY 11 2006 From: Sean Reilly, Liverpool, UK Hi Simon I loved your piece this week about the elephant on the beach. I was shocked to read that elephants working in log camps in Thailand are fed amphetamines to make them work harder. Is that really true? Yours
Well that's what plantation owners did to black slaves in Louisiana two hundred years ago. It's what the British and American governments did to their troops in the Second World War. And in Thailand it was the traditional way of getting elephants into battle – fill them up with speed and send them off to trample the Burmese army. The Burmese, however, often won. Better drugs or better elephants, who knows? Cheers
WEDNESDAY MAY 10 2006 From: Ron Franklin, Bangkok, Thailand Hi Simon Re last week's piece on circumcision: Jews have it done to the baby almost at birth… within 6 days if I am not mistaken. If you have ever been to a ‘briss' its quite a non event…. The razor is so sharp and the instrument used so efficient that some babies sleep through it (I apparently did). The whole idea is health, as is all that kosher bull's shit too…. In actual fact I couldn't care less, although growing up in Copacabana, Rio, the amount of smelly cheese odours between those beach bums' legs was nauseating. Love to you both
Hi Ron My point about branding them with their religion still stands. And if it's just for health, why not take out their appendix and tonsils too? Or, in these days of genetic science, why not adjust their brains so they're guaranteed to grow up with mainstream thinking rather than awkward opinions and antisocial viewpoints? To be honest, I was just being my usual bigoted self. Religion is loathsome and that's all there is to it (though Copacabana cheesebums sound even worse). Lots of love
TUESDAY MAY 9 2006 From: Gregory Gray, Hertfordshire, UK oh come on Simon...pot is a fantastic little tipple.. provided one's not greedy with the herb, it's one of life's truly cerebral pleasures. I love to smoke the smallest joint after Thomas has gone to bed and play my Oscar Peterson and Bill Evans records. I bet you'd be fantastic company under the influence of the smoke and the jazz love your essay this week
Hi Gregory Really, I'm not putting down any of these drugs (each person to his own), but from a truly social point of view, only alcohol works. I used to like smoking pot, and I agree with you it's perfect with jazz, but it's a drug that sends people flooating into dreams. You say I'd be fantastic company under its influence, but that's simply not true. I'd choose to be alone, stretch out on a sofa and put on some music. You yourself say you prefer to smoke it 'after Thomas has gone to bed'. You see what I mean? The great blessing of pot has been its tendency to be smoked by Middle-Eastern people. For six hundred years it's dreamy qualities have been relatively succesful in dampening the fires of Islam. The danger with modern Islam is that it's spreading to countries where pot offends the law and without their medication the mob get out of hand. Perhaps people of religious ardour should be required to take a daily dose of valium. (Incidentally, Christianity, though I hate to admit it, has a saving grace - because of communion it spread the art of wine making in its wake.) Cheers
MONDAY MAY 8 2006 From: Dean McLoud, London , UK Hi Simon Looking back at your old emails I am interested to notice how you invariably equate alcohol with speed and pot and coke or even heroin. I'm writing a thesis on recreational drugs and want to know, do you really put alcohol into that category? I.E. do you really think of it as a recreational drug? Regards
Of course it's a drug, you twat, and if it's not recreational, what the fuck is it? But as for being in the same category, certainly not! Speed and coke do little more than energise the brain by sticking pins in it. Heroin is just an emotional pain killer. Pot makes people giggle too much or sends them floating into tedious oblivion. Alcohol is the one, true, great, recreational drug - one of the world's most cohesive and civilising influences. SIMON
SUNDAY MAY 7 2006 From: Albert Sheldon, Portsmouth, UK Hi Simon Good story yesterday about getting the boat back to the UK. I may have been on the same ship. I'm a musician and I worked on it for a while back in the 60s. From Quebec to Germany to Ireland and then on to London. Was that the one? Regards
It was. It cost about around $100 including all meals, but it was rough the whole the way. The cabins slept six but I stayed in the library most nights because everyone in the cabin was vomiting. (For some reason I never got seasick). The boat first went to Bremerhaven in Germany, then to Cork in Southern Ireland. By that time I couldn't stand it any more so I disembarked with a guy I'd met on board. We decided to hitch-hike to London but round dusk got stuck in drizzling rain outside a small Irish village. A local policeman turned up on his bike and invited us to come back to the police station to sleep. He unlocked an empty cell, gave us a bunk each with a blanket and told us we could leave whenever we wanted. At 2am he shook us awake from a deep sleep and presented us with two steaming mugs, “I thought you might like a good cup of tea,” he told us. “It'll help you sleep.” Then he left us till morning. It was the first time I realised that the Irish aren't quite like other people. Cheers
SATURDAY MAY 6 2006 From: Rory Sheen, Belleville, Ontario , Canada Hey Simon Why did that Damien guy make you so angry? If you didn't like what he said why did you post his email? Anyway… we don't need to hear about all the people you've ‘shagged'. RORY
Rory... It's sometimes good to vent a little spleen but today I shall avoid spleen-venting and tell you instead why I picked out your dreary little email. It was because I saw you were from Belleville. About a million years ago, when I was nineteen, I was hitch-hiking from Toronto to Quebec where I was going to get a boat back to England. I'd bought the boat ticket with my last bit of money and had none left over to get me to Quebec. It was deadly cold – well below freezing – I didn't have a proper coat and about ten at night I was standing by the highway in a blizzard. There were no cars on the road and I honestly thought I would freeze to death, so I knocked on the door of a house and told the man who answered what my situation was. As a result I got a meal, a bed, breakfast in the morning and a lift to the local bus station where he and his wife paid for a Greyhound bus to Quebec . And that was in Belleville . Cheers
FRIDAY MAY 5 2006 From: Damien Blaine, London, UK Hello Simon Napier-Bell You probably don't remember me, but if I were to remind you of the circumstance of our acquaintance it would be with the word ‘Sombrero' (circa 1981). You met me there and took me to your flat in Richmond where you shagged me rotten. Though it was long ago, I think we both enjoyed it. Enough I hope that you will accede to my request for you to listen to my nephew's songs. Sincerely
You bigmouthed toad. Whatever happened to tact and discretion? And anyway, how do you expect me to remember everyone I slept with twenty years ago? Piss on your nephew's songs. Tell him to peddle his own arse round town - better than relying on favours called in by his uncle for a long-forgotten fuck. SIMON
THURSDAY MAY 4 2006 From: Tracy, Dirte Records, London, UK Hiya Simon Check out the EPK of our new group the Dirty Feel. We'd love to know your thoughts. A bit of background… Virgil the drummer's dad is Steve Howe from prog-rock supergroups Yes and Asia (but don't let that put you off!). When Charles Shaar Murray saw Dirty Feel live he went up to Verge afterwards and said… ”Your dad's band were shit but you're fantastic!” Your comments would be much valued. TRACY xx
Hi Tracy I managed Asia for a couple of years, complete with Steve Howe. I remember the amount of grass he smoked and how long his hair was, then one evening sitting in a taxi with me in Tokyo he went on about worried he was ‘cos his son was growing his hair too long and might one day take up smoking dope. (I guess that's Virgil.) Steve was a moody bugger! When we went to America he refused to travel with the band but toured around in his own car - an ancient white Mercedes he'd kept there for years - and he absolutely refused to give anyone a lift in it. One night in Germany he refused to play because the hall had been re-decorated and smelt of paint (and that was the night the record company had chosen to come and see the gig). But what a brilliant guitarist. He did a ten minute solo spot which was the highlight of the show every night. Cheers
WEDNESDAY MAY 3 2006 From: Harry Selbert, Boston, Mass, USA Sir I understand your ardour in opposing religious bigotry but your narrow-minded rejection of people who use religion as a gentle cushion against the rougher and more confusing aspects of daily life makes your views feel far from fair or well-balanced. HARRY SELBERT
Writing in a fair and well-balanced manner not only causes pieces to be of unnecessary length and complexity but also leads to a reduction in their emotional impact which in turn lessens the writer's ability to rouse readers to instant thought on the subject in question. I go for the tabloid approach. Take your position, ramp up the rhetoric, keep it simple, make it short. If people don't like it - fuck'em. SIMON
TUESDAY MAY 2 2006 From: Geoffrey Keene, Huddersfield, UK Hi Simon Re your piece this week… Why do you have to pull Christianity into a piece that starts out about circumcising a thirteen-year-old Moslem boy. My mum and dad are Christian, I'm eighteen and my foreskin is still safe and sound. Aren't you being a little unfair putting the two things together? Yours
Hi Geoffrey Christian or Moslem, moderate or extreme, priests or mullahs, causal believers or passionate ones, they're all part of the same thing - international religionism - dumb, dangerous and dogmatic. I see no reason to separate them (even your own nice mum and dad). SIMON
MONDAY MAY 1 2006 From: Christine Holmes, Michigan, USA Hi Simon I read with interest your take on the rise of the British pop music culture, vis-a-vis the gay culture of the 60's-70's. I (and I'm sure many other readers) would be most interested in hearing your take on the legendary Brian Epstein's influence on the world of the 60's and beyond. Perhaps it's only my own perception, but I really do not think the Beatles would have gone anywhere if it hadn't been for him. Consequently, if it hadn't been for Eppy, the world would be a different place today and our American culture (as it were) would even be of a much poorer quality? CHRISTINE HOLMES
Hi Christine Brian Epstein was a pleasant, personable man. His private life had a hole in it which the Beatles filled. As a result he got all fired up and wouldn't stop till he got them a record deal. I agree that without his obsession the Beatles probably wouldn't have happened. I also agree that certain things in the world might be different - Yoko Ono, for instance, wouldn't be so rich. But to credit Brian Epstein with the influence the Beatles exerted on world culture is like crediting the man who planted the apple tree with Sir Isacc Newton's discovery of gravity. Chance rather than foresight. All the best
SUNDAY APRIL 30 2006 From: Gerry Samson, Torquay, UK Hi Simon I was in New York on Friday and heard you on Larry Flick's morning show on Q radio. You were talking about coming out in the music business in the 60s. For some people it still seems a difficult thing to do, even now, 40 years later. What made it easier then? GERRY
Hi Gerry Easy or difficult? I haven't a clue…. It simply never occurred to me to pretend to be what I wasn't. Anyway, I was caught far too often in indiscreet circumstances (at show-business parties, for instance, where journalists were present) to be able to pretend otherwise. But I agree it's lucky I lived in a country where the worst downsides were not life-threatening. Had I lived somewhere like today's Iran (or Nigeria or Jamaica ) I'm not sure what I would have done - left the country perhaps, or found an androgenous slim-hipped girl, got married, then watched in horror as year by year she turned into a slack-pussied middle-aged mother demanding conjugal cuddles that couldn't be consumated. Cheers
SATURDAY APRIL 29 2006 From: Gregory Gray, Hertfordshire, UK Simon I must tell you..there is nothing absurd about my compliments... There are many people who would find your mug extremely handsome. I mean.. it just is! .. and it always was. But the very best photograph of you ever taken in your whole life is the one second from the left at the top of your home page. You look filthy in that one... disgruntled... almost angry... like you're thinking about ripping the camera out of the photographers hand and rogering him fifty shades of blue. In the background of that photo you can see the horrible Hyatt hotel where I lived for six months. In that photograph I fancy the idea that you were having a quick swim before coming round to my inferior hotel to give me the fuck of the century... and then to leave me discarded on the bedroom floor... before heading off for dinner with David Geffen.
'Benign Flirtations' has the ring of a 1930s movie about it - high class romance with a tasty murder towards the end. And of course, a hero with fabulous good looks and the promise of a perfectly proportioned willie. Cheers
FRIDAY APRIL 28 2006 From: Jardine Short, Leeds, Yorkshire, UK Dear Simon Napier-Bell Basking in compliments as absurd as those sent you yesterday does not become you. Frankly, my own father looks better than you do, even at the advanced age of 78. I have to presume you pay people to write such things, or do you make them up? Perhaps Gregory Gray is simply a nom de plume for your ego? Yours
Jardine Short, you nasty old bitch. What sort of twisted screwball are you that you can't accept me enjoying a little praise from an admiring correspondent? As for ‘Gregory Gray' being a nom de plume for my ego... perhaps you've hit the nail on the head. Gregory is one of my most regular contributors and never fails to speak nicely of me. How could my ego fail to respond to such sensual massaging? When did yours last get some? SIMON
THURSDAY APRIL 27 2006 From: Gregory Gray, Hertfordshire, UK hi simon you look ravishing in that picture of you in boyz magazine this week… pretty darn good for sixty seven don't you think... it's a fun little read i zoomed in on your face and had a close inspection... it really is a good looking mug isn't it....sort of butch.... great regards
Hi Gregory I can't pretend I don't like compliments, but be warned - firstly, the shot was taken a year ago, so not really 67 – secondly, it was a very good photographer (Emma Jepson) who came to visit me for a day, took over a hundred shots, then very kindly threw away all the ones which weren't as good as that one. Pop star tricks, you see. Well why not? Cheers
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 26 2006 From: Caspar Llewelyn Smith Hey there I've been thinking about running a gay-themed issue for some time. I think there's a great, not crashingly clichéd, issue to be done, tho' haven't thought through the ins and outs yet, and I'm asking you for any thoughts, whether you might contribute in any way! Do you mind having a wee ponder? All best
Hi Caspar In Black Vinyl I suggested that gay culture has had a similar degree of influence on British pop music as black culture has had on American pop music. Perhaps a piece about that would work for you. Basically, as you know, It started with the coincidences of..... (1) the supressed 50s gay community watching Larry Parnes define a new area of entrepreneurism which they could enter - pop/rock management, and.... (2) the end of National Service creating a ready flow of management-needy groups. Moving on from there was the influence these managers exerted on their groups in terms of fashion, image (and most important) tolerance of all things gay. This was coupled with the odd situation that... because the only outlet for pop until the sixties was the variety theatre circuit, young anarchic teenagers were turned into professional all round-entertainers and became familiar with the luvvy atmosphere of the theatre. When the seventies came along, there were many artists who'd been around this gay tolerant music business for long enough to think it worth including in their own imagery - Bowie, Bolan, Elton, Freddie Mercury. And then on to the Blitz crowd in the 80s - Boy George, Erasure, Take That, etc, all the way to today's Robbie Williams still delighting in being a gay icon. Gay culture seems to have been the heaviest constant influence flowing through British pop, but despite volumes of camp, gay culture in British pop music has only ever been one single strain of the industry rather than the basic driving force, which has always come from fun, self-expression and sex, with money coming a poor fourth. Best regards
TUESDAY APRIL 25 2006 From: Carol Bridle, UK Dear Simon Not a mention, and I was on every show with Eddy Cochran and Gene Vincent, and unfortunately on the last one with Eddy at the Hippodrome, Bristol. I was then called the Golden Voice of the 60s and took over from Gene Vincent at the Manchester Hippodrome. Just thought I would mention it as I'm still alive and singing Regards
Hi Peter (or Carol) You've confused me. You say ‘not a mention' but by that do you mean in Black Vinyl White Powder, or on my website? I can't say I remember your name from the 60s, neither as Peter Wynne nor Carol Bridle (nor even as the ‘Golden Voice of the 60s'). Were you then Peter and now Carol? Did you make records? Perhaps other people who read this website will remember you. You must be ancient by now! SIMON
MONDAY APRIL 24 2006 From: William Baxter, Ryde, Isle of Wight, UK Mr. Napier-Bell My son drew my attention to an email you sent last week to someone in the Isle of Wight in which you really maligned this fine island. It is more than just a tawdry tourist resort; it is an integral part of British history. Having read some of your website and noted your atheistic views and predilection to condoning drugs and drinking, I must say you fit well into the public's view of a rock and roll manager. Nevertheless, I feel you owe all of us on the Isle of Wight an apology and would like you to be man enough to place one on your website. Regards
William, you're being unnecessarily cuntish, though living in the Isle of Wight I guess that's inevitable. Somewhere near you, also living on the Isle of Wight, is Robert Stigwood, another rock and roll manager (Bee Gees, Saturday Night Fever, Jesus Christ Superstar). If you chance to see him (buying his groceries at the local Tescos, perhaps) you'll notice he's not much more than a jibbering wreck. There are those who put this down to a lifetime of cocaine and rock ‘n' roll debauchery. Myself, I think it's more to do with his bad decision to move to the Isle of Wight and inhale all that bad sea air. Cheers
SUNDAY APRIL 23 2006 From: Artie Fink, London, UK Hi Simon Wonderful site. Insightful, entertaining. Be great to see your 'what's going on' pieces collected in book form some day. As a fan of both yours and David Sylvian I was interested to read the latter's comments recently… DS: "When I was in Japan , Simon would talk to me endlessly about what we were capable of and what we could achieve, as if I should automatically want to pursue the same goals as him. A wit and raconteur, he enjoyed nothing more than attempting to extract large sums of money from record companies…. He could charm his way out of the most difficult situations. I had to find another, less commercial way of working, which was why during the recording of Tin Drum [ Japan 's fifth and final album] we kept Simon as far away from the studio as possible. Simon wished for me to see the industry through his eyes. He manipulated because manipulation was more entertaining from his perspective than a more passive (he would argue less creative) form of management and while this was quite an education, once I'd been given room to breathe, to gauge the situation, to size up the music business for myself, I realised that I could make it work for me in ways devoid of cynicism and crass exploitation, and that there were potentially greater returns in establishing relationships in the industry based on trust ..." Any comments? Keep on evolving
Hi Artie What David says is fair enough. When Japan came to me they wanted to big stars, but by the time they'd become big stars, they'd begun to prefer the benefits of being little stars. It is, I admit, much more enjoyable - a certain amount of notoriety and appreciation but without the mobbing and screaming. Actually, I totally agreed with him. From my point of view, to be a pop star would be vile. Mostly, though, that's what artists and groups want, so I help them to get it David decided he wanted to be just a ‘small' personality, “like a left-bank poet” is how he put it. It wasn't too difficult for him. To shed a little fame is much easier than putting it on. And he did it well. Cheers
SATURDAY APRIL 22 2006 From: Ron Franklin, Bangkok, Thailand Hi Simon! Tong and I would like to wish that gay, god-hating, globe-trotting, over-indulging, wine-aholic, opinionated, gossipy, cantankerous, endearing, cerebral, super-energetic, curious, undaunted and fetching (I am told) British pop manager the best and Happiest of Happy birthdays and both of us shall raise our glasses filled with Dom Perignon 1963 (or, if we can't find that, some other god forsaken plonk that you find in supermarkets here) and think of you today. “The Road of Excess Leads to the Palace of Wisdom ” Love to Yo also
Well thank-you I shall try to live up to your expectations and excessivate throughout the day, though I can't promise any wisdom. Actually, all that's planned is dinner with Yo. The owner of Pattaya's best Italian restaurant, Tratorria Toscana, went yesterday to somewhere north of Chiang Mai to collect a wild boar which is to be barbecued tonight. I plan to eat a small amount of it with a bottle of something good, Italian and red - Barbaresco Sori San Lorenzo, perhaps - and then a swig or two of good grappa.. Love to you both .FRIDAY APRIL 21 2006 From: Paul Rymer, www.nightporter.co.uk Hi Simon I hope you can solve a mystery for me. A 'Japan' collector recently sent me some images of a picture sleeve he found showing a hand going into someone's trousers. The strange thing is, the single sleeve has "Shut Up" written on it but the songs on the record are "Adolescent Sex" and "Don't Rain on My Parade". It is certainly attention grabbing, but apart from that, is there a story behind it? Best wishes
Hi Paul
Another part of the campaign was a cutout cardboard penis, which on the other side turned into a sword and said, 'Japan Are Up and Coming'.
The campaign was put together by a new advertising agency who were anxious to make a name for themselves. They planned the campagin with me and Peter Meisel but Peter forgot to tell Trudi, his wife, about it (and it was Trudi who really ran Hansa Records). On the day all the paraphanelia was delivered to Hansa's London office Trudi saw it and had a fit. She screamed up and down three floors of offices haranguing everyone and saying it was the most embarassing thing she'd ever seen. Finally Peter and I got her into her office and calmed her down enough to ask which part of the campaign offended her most.
THURSDAY APRIL 20 2006 From: Nick Nastyballs, London, UK listen you knobfaced opinionated prick lover… noone who is straight is ever going to like you, so if you continue to alienate your own kind as you did with your email to that ALBI “i'm-a-sad-poofter” guy, where will that leave you???????? in the fucking doo-doo i hope NASTYBALLS NICK
Hi Nick Excuse me saying this, but I have a feeling you're in your first year at RADA? And since your UK and US slang don't mix, I also have to presume you're from downunder. And probably the proud possessor of a pussy too (since I can't imagine any Aussie bloke, gay or straight, being too prim to use the word shit), though of course you might be one of those drearily loud drag queens New Zealand has begun to export lately. Or perhaps you're just some ancient Aussie export school teacher who thinks she has a sense of humour. Anyway, nice to know you like my website. Hope you die soon. SIMON
WEDNESDAY APRIL 19 2006 From: Sheena Westland, Aberdeen, Scotland Hi Simon I just saw an article in a newspaper about George Michael getting Sony to stop Stirling University from showing the original cut of film director Lindsay Anderson's documentary about Wham! in China. Everything in the article seems to dovetail beautifully with your descriptions in I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch. It quotes from a letter by Lindsay to Michael Winner. Lindsay refers to George as a “shivering aspirant plucked out of the street, who turns almost overnight into a tyrant of fabulous wealth, whose every command his minions must dash to execute.” That George won't let the original cut be shown seems to confirm everything that Lindsay said about him. Cheers
Hi Sheena Actually, the people at Stirling had written to me asking how to get permission. I'd already warned them that ‘tyrant George' would be unlikely to give it. Sad, isn't it. Regards
TUESDAY APRIL 18 2006 Albi Harbin, Santa Monica , CA , USA Dear Simon I cannot help but offer a riposte to your flippant dismissal of my request for you listen to my album of songs. Maybe it was my own fault for not choosing my words more carefully. I am not an angry teenager, unhappy with his sexual orientation. I am a mature adult of over forty, a trained classical singer, and have spent most of life my working in medical services and living in a stable relationship. My album is not a ‘protest' in any normal sense of the word. It consists of wry, insightful, humorous songs that comment on the difficulties of living within the phenomenon known as gay America. Sincerely
Sounds hideous! I think I got it right first time. SIMON
MONDAY APRIL 17 2006 Albi Harbin, Santa Monica , CA , USA Hi Simon I'm a singer and I've just completed an album of gay protest songs which I'm going to release on my own label. Can I persuade you to listen to it and give me your comments? Yours
Albi, you dumb dick licker. Why would I want to listen to your dreary, faggy, miserable, protest songs? If you're gay, be pleased with it. Try singing some happy songs instead. (And send them to someone else.) SIMON
SUNDAY APRIL 16 2006 From: Gregory Gray, Hertforshire, UK Hi Simon Have you heard of this new London restaurant called "Dans Le Noir"?? I bet you have… It's from the original in Paris … eating in the dark... heightening taste senses, blah, blah, blah… It sounds horrific and I can't wait to go. Cheers
Hi Gregory Yeah, I read about ‘Dans Le Noir', but I wouldn't call that going out to a restaurant. Perhaps it's an experience we should all have, but it's more like going into one of those special interest booths in a good museum, isn't it? Learning about how other people see things, or what the world would be like with only half your senses. Years ago I was a musician in Montreal (more than forty years ago, actually, I was nineteen). I played trumpet with a band in a strip club. We were all jazzies and lived for jam sessions after hours. The pianist was a black blind guy, Leroy - a brilliant jazz and r-&-B muso. We did terrible things to him. He saved up his money, wanted to buy a second-hand Cadillac, but we bought him a Chevy and made it feel heavy like a Caddy by putting bricks in the trunk. And we'd take him to the whorehouse and try to fob him off with cheap ugly old hookers so we could take his money and go clubbing. But we never could. He just seemed to smell attractive girls. He was totally blind but could walk into that brothel and go straight up to the prettiest girl every time. Still - getting back to ‘Dans Le Noir'... I remember, he hated ice cream. I guess it's too cold to really taste, and without being able to see it becomes nothing more than cold sludge. All the best
SATURDAY APRIL 15 2006 From: Andy Sheldon, Isle of Wight, UK Hi Simon Don't you think it's time you called it a day? You used to be a top rock manager, now you're writing about net curtains. Can we have some sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll please? Yours
Andy I notice you live in the Isle of Wight. The last time I was there it seemed the principal industry was filling litttle bottles with silly coloured sand and selling them to tourists. Is that what you do? Or are you still on the training course? SIMON
FRIDAY APRIL 14 2006 From: Gregory Gray, Hertfordshire, UK Simon Re the correspondence about your friend's restaurant in Ramsgate…. Net curtains are truly vile, but I'm amazed how Ian Shraeger is using them everywhere. They are there, right there in the window of St Martins hotel in London . At the Delano in horrible Miami you can't move for nets. And then at the Mondrian in West Hollywood you can have a camp English moment in your bedroom by twitching your net curtains to peep at the sewer of cars down on sunset strip. If I had my way, we'd abolish all curtains forever as a kind of metaphor for having nothing to hide. Always
Hi Gregory My mother talked of net curtains as a synonym for bad upbringing and lower caste, yet in the end she installed them. A desire for privacy, I suppose, though I can't think of anything that went on inside our house worth hiding. (Not on the ground floor, anyway). The most striking thing about arriving at Schipol airport and driving into Amsterdam at night is the complete lack of net curtains and the brightness of the rooms inside. But it also confirms that nothing of interest goes on in Holland whatsoever. Grudgingly, I admit that net curtains maintain a hint of mystery, albeit very dingy mystery. Californians, of course, prefer black glass, while the French go for shutters. Cheers THURSDAY APRIL 13 2006 Ed Piller, London, UK Hello Simon By way of a quick introduction I have been working on a rather stop-start biography of Peter Meaden. I'd appreciate any comments you have on the following story of his… Meaden bumps into you and a young David Jones in the Ship on Wardour Street... Leaving your charge in the corner you approach Meaden at the bar and tell him that you are having trouble breaking Jones in Soho to the mods, did he have any ideas? Meaden arranged a gig at the Birdcage (pre Hoogstraaten) in Pompey but it died on its arse. Let me know. Best
Hi Ed Meaden's got me muddled with someone else. The David Jones you're talking about is of course David Bowie, late sixties model. I was never his manager but a chap called Ralph Horton was. Ralph called me out of the blue one day and introduced himself. He asked if I would come to see him and have a chat about a project. His flat was a basement in Pimlico and the project was sitting in the corner – David Jones (later Bowie). Ralph asked if I would be prepared to help with David's management and as an introductory offer suggested I might like to have sex with him. Although the boy in the corner seemed acquiescent, the overall sleaziness of the idea rather put me off, so I turned it down. Consequently I neither slept with Bowie nor managed him. In retrospect I admit both things might have been worth doing. Regards
WEDNESDAY APRIL 12 2006 From: Bobbi Marchini, Zakynthos, Greece Hi Simon Morning's a misery without your site. What's happened? luv
Hi Bobbi I'm sorry to ruin your last couple of mornings (and everyone else's too) but my server went down. I thought I had a good server till this happened, then I checked them out on a website forum. These are the first five reviews I found... “Avoid ‘CI Host' like the plague.” “‘CI Host' are completely terrible.” “‘CIC Host', the must horrible host company in the world.” “Folks, never host with ‘CI Host'.” “‘CI Host' is a huge waste of time and money.” Needless to say, I'm changing. Meanwhile, I hope your morning's are back to their former orgasmic glory. Lots of love
TUESDAY APRIL 11 2006 From: Alec Ewe, Bambuddha Hut, Ramsgate, UK Dear Simon Re the Thai restaurant down the road from us (Surin)… Her husband works for the BBC. The amount of "string pulling" he does for her is unbelievable. Her restaurant is the most written about. She gets press releases on ‘women in business' from The Guardian and The Times, then claims she was voted the best Asian restaurant outside London by a Times newspaper food writer. I'm livid, how can she claim to be the best Asian restaurant outside London when she has net curtains? LECKY
Hi Lecky Travelling during the last few weeks I've bumped into two people who rave about your restaurant. Pianist Simon Mulligan (who was in Kuala Lumpur last week playing with the Malaysian Philarmonic) told me his parents live in Ramsgate and eat there all the time. And in Hong Kong, DJ Phil Whelan told me almost the same thing. But re those net curtains... In this week's ‘Winner's dinners' Michael Winner raves about a restaurant in Switzerland that has net curtains. Perhaps there's more to them than you think. Love
MONDAY APRIL 10 2006 From: Mike Dash, London, UK Dear Simon
Kind regards
Hi Mike Firstly, thanks for writing. You can consider yourself immediately removed from the 'standoffish old sod' list. Actually, I was meant to be on your panel - a discussion on writing fact with the style of fiction. It was on that premise that I'd originally agreed with Madeleine Dignam that I would attend the festival. And although I agreed to do a separate talk about the music business, it was the idea of talking with you onstage that most interested me, particularly as my own last book, 'I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch', was written specifically with the idea in mind that it should read with the pace and page-turning-ness of a novel. Just before coming to the festival Madeleine Dignam emailed me to say I would not be on your panel. I was disappointed, but not much surprised, since her first email ever to me had expressed doubt that I could be found a place at the festival at all, because, she explained, "We normally deal only with fiction and literary non-fiction." What a slap in the face! Anyway, none of this is intended to belittle you or your writing. After your talk on the Saturday evening I came across to speak with you in the bar where you had just been signing books. I introduced myself and mentioned that I had thought I would be on your panel. I also explained what my last book was about and told you that I thought ‘Batavia's Graveyard' was about as good as I could imagine a non-fiction book ever being in turns of pace, readability, information and page-turning-ness. Quite brilliant! I felt you weren't too interested in my comments, so I buggered off. Perhaps I miss-read you. Never mind, your nice email completely makes up for it. Shortly after I spoke to you I gave my talk on the music business, together with local dj Phil Whelan - it seemed successful and quite a few people bought tickets. But seeing that the money went to the organisers, and, that I'd paid all my own expenses to be at the festival, it would have been nice to receive a subsequent thank-you note from them. Because one didn't materialise, when I wrote my piece about the event I probably viewed it with a slightly sour eye, and perhaps you suffered. I apologise. Moreover, I certainly agree that 42 isn't old. By the way, let me advise you next year to go to the Shanghai festival. There the organisers are helpful, fun, generous and welcoming. (Even if you turn up too late to give your talk). Best regards
SUNDAY APRIL 9 2006 From: Ron Franklin, Bangkok, Thailand Hi! I just read last week's What's Going On piece in which you describe yourself as a.... "gay, god-hating, globe-trotting, over-indulging, wine-aholic, opinionated, gossipy, cantankerous British pop manager". You forgot to add: "endearing, cerebral, super-energetic,curious, undaunted and fetching" (I am told!). Now, do you know anyone else that can command so many adjectives? RON
You make me feel like some second rate noun, urgently in need of definition. Anyway, I hope I can be all those things at lunch next week - Wednesday at the Oriental, Normadie Grill, 1pm. Lv SATURDAY APRIL 8 2006 From: Hank Shires, Washington DC, USA Hi Simon I have to take an opposite stance to you on something you said recently. You said ‘to be an American' was like a religion - that to be an American you had to ‘believe in America '. I'm an American but these days I often find myself not believing in America , in fact a lot of the time I feel quite ashamed of it. So where does that leave your theory? Should I be stripped of my nationality and deported? Regards
A lot of Americans might think you should be, but what you're talking about is nothing to do with what I said. What I said was that foreigners coming to America and wishing to take up American citizenship have to do nothing more than ‘believe' in American ideals - free speech, democracy, freedom to worship (or not) - in order to be accepted as Americans. Whereas, if a foreigner who wanted to become a British citizen were to profess admiration for all the best British qualities (eccentricity, stiff upper lip, cool understatement), he'd look a bloody fool – because those are the very things that the British themselves most enjoy making fun of. So there's the difference. When it comes to national identity, Americans are boringly serious – they like to wave the flag and boast about the constitution. Brits, on the other hand, see things as they really are. To be considered a real Brit you need to be born in the UK, have a British accent (anyone of the hundreds that are available will do), and understand British jokes. Nobody really cares whether you believe in democracy and free speech or have facist tendencies and advocate censorship, but one thing is totally essential... It doesn't matter a damn what colour or race or religion you are, but you'll never be considered British if you have a foreign accent. Cheers
FRIDAY APRIL 7 2006 From: Dominque Rowe, Hong Kong Hello Simon I'm Coming to Take You to Lunch was your third novel. Were there any lessons from the others that you put into practice when you sat down to write this one? Best wishes
Hi Dominique I'm afraid you've got it wrong. I've never written a novel. I'm not too interested in them. I like to know that what I'm reading is the truth and not someone's imaginary story. But when I'm writing I like to rebalance factual events to give them the pace and excitement of a novel. There've been some great books written this way. Have you read Batavia's Graveyard by Mike Dash - bloody brilliant! (Although I have to admit, when I met him at the Hong Kong Literary Festival, he turned out to be a standoffish old sod, to say the least.) In I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch, I kept a fifty-fifty balance between Wham! and the other people in the story, particularly the character called Professor Rolf. But the truth is, every last minute I spent with the professor is in the book while only 5% of the time I spent with Wham! is. And why not? The time I spent with Professor Rolf was always memorable whereas much of the time I spent with Wham! was not. Bloody boring, a lot of it! The rebalancing makes it a more honest memoir. Best regards
THURSDAY APRIL 6 2006 From: Neil Simms, Machester, UK Hi Simon I was just reading your book Black Vinyl White Powder and reached the part about a Jimi Hendrix concert in London which you went to and everyone was there – the Beatles, the Stones, etc. You said it was just in a small theatre. Which one was it? Yours
Hi Neil It was the Saville theatre, now a multiplex cinema in the part of Shaftesbury Avenue nobody goes to go (to the east of Charing Cross Road ). Brian Epstein (the Beatles' manager) bought the theatre in order to put on pop and rock concerts every Sunday at 5pm. They were open to the public, of course, but the events were so stunning that the whole music industry turned up every week – artists, managers, record company people – the only downside being we had to rush through Sunday lunch to get there (and our Sunday lunches were quite a tradition). They took place at the Popotte restaurant in Walton Street. Prior to the concerts at the Saville, these lunches often ran right through to 7pm , then sometimes re-started as dinner and ran on till midnight. Most of the camper end of the music business was at the Popotte every Sunday (Dave Clark, Cilla Black, Dusty, a couple of Stones, an occasional Beatle, all the managers, that sort of thing). It was a run by London 's best gay restauranteur, Christopher Hunter. Between the mid-sixties and the nineties Christopher had five restaurants, all of them brilliant, but all of them coming to the same sticky end…. Christopher always took too much money out of the till, using it to finance expensive weekends to Tangier where he fell in love with a succession of well-hung Ar | ||||
